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What Tango Taught Me About Relationships

February 27, 2014

I’m thrilled to announce we have a guest post by Sasha Cagen.  Sasha  is an Oakland tanguera and the author of “Quirkyalone: A Manifesto for Uncompromising Romantics”.  In this post Sasha explains how Tango is a LOT more that just a dance…
 

Tango is more than a dance. It can teach us a lot about how to grow as people, individually and in relationship.

I fell in love with tango at first sight when I was traveling in Colombia in 2010. I moved to Buenos Aires in October 2012 to soak up tango culture at the source.

Many people traverse the world to live in Buenos Aires, to dance tango four or five nights a week. More is going on than just the pleasure of the dance, which is in of itself immense. Tango sweeps you up and helps you get more intimate with yourself and in your relationships with others. Tango is a personal quest, whether the person recognizes that or not.

Alejandro Gee
Alejandro Gee

Alejandro Gee is a tango teacher who did his graduate thesis in psychology on the effects of tango dance on mood. He writes, “The posture of a person is not just a position that we are supposed to stand/dance in, but also a reflection of who we are. The way we connect or the way we lead or follow are also a perfect reflection of our social, emotional and mental status. Usually 10 minutes into the class you can tell more about a person’s character or the relationship within a couple than you could after talking. This is why tango has the capacity to heal issues that we are or not aware of. By fixing the physical, the mind and emotions will follow. Or we will want to heal the mind and the emotions in order to be able to improve our dancing.”

The search for balance and stability within yourself
 

One of the most powerful searches in tango is the search for being in axis, or eje, as they say in Spanish. Being in your axis in dance means using the energy of the floor to find your own balance in your body, so no matter what you are doing, pivoting, turning, or walking, you are in control of your own movement.

Tango is paradoxical. The beautiful paradox of tango is you have two people who are leaning in toward each other, absolutely connected, exchanging energy through a chest-to-chest heart connection in an abrazo (hug), but each one of them should be so solid in their axis that if the other person disappears he or she does not fall down. He or she stays standing because she is rooted in her axis. When you and your partner have both the connection to each other and the connection to their own bodies in their own axis, you have magic.

For a woman the search for the axis is a very powerful metaphor. A woman is traditionally defined by relationship to other. (And she is in tango too, it does take two.) As a mother, a lover, a friend. Her value is defined through the other.

When you have your axis too, you know you are also all right on your own. For me, feeling my axis, this alignment of my body that puts me into a stable, independent and yet connected position when I dance, feels like a revelation. I feel heaven open up. I feel powerful and smooth, connected and independent. It took me over two and a half years of consistent tango study to find my axis, in shimmers and glimmers. It’s a big deal, cause for celebration.

The metaphor of tango for a healthy relationship

Enter tango. Tango, though rooted in an era when women were not equal, with decidedly machista roots, is such an apt metaphor for a healthy relationship. The dance itself brings masculinity and femininity together in such a way that both need to be rooted in themselves in order to dance. To create a dance—or a relationship where both people get to be fully alive, both have to be in their axis. Passion and connection with another depends on a deep connection with yourself.

A tango teacher Luciana Rial Baumgartner was once teaching me how to do a fast turn with her. You need to have the right amount of tension between the two people in order to generate the connection. That tension is created because each person has a strong core and while dancing for the other, he or she is also dancing for herself, making sure her body is in alignment. That tension creates the thrill.

Luciana said, “First, you must dance for yourself.”

When you get all floppy in your core the dynamic falls apart. One person starts putting pressure on the other. She compared the dynamic to a romantic relationship. When we get floppy in terms of our own personal alignment in life, the connection suffers because we prioritize the connection with the other over the connection with ourselves.

When we’re single, we lose our axis when we think we need to change who we are to attract someone, or when we think there’s something wrong with us or our lives because we are alone.

Dancing on the streets of Buenos Aires
Sasha dancing on the streets of Buenos Aires

When we’re in a relationship, we lose our axis when we stop doing things we love and become fused. We change who we are to please the other; he likes golf, I’ll like golf, and so on. We get obsessed and let a relationship or its demise determine our self-worth. We fear being alone and don’t feel we can be alone.

Most of us have lost our axis in relationship. That’s how we grow, we learn what it’s like to lose it. We evolve to a healthier relationship pattern put in the work to find our axis. In life. In ourselves.

Finding your axis is a process. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

Studying tango–and continually finding and losing and finding my axis again–feels to me like putting a metaphor for relationship into my body. It helps me to remember, this is what it is to lose your axis in tango, this is what it is to lose your axis in a relationship, and this is what it is to find it again.

In the dance, as in life, it’s not like you find your axis once and stay there in perfect alignment (unless you are a professional dancer, maybe, with perfect posture). You find it, you lose it, and you find it in your body again. Dancing and life is a process of learning how to sustain your axis more and more consistently over time. You lose your balance. You realize you lost it. You reset. We do the same thing in our lives as we lose our centers and then come back to them again. The question is whether we notice and how quickly we recover back to ourselves.

 

Want to learn more?

 
Sasha CagenSasha is hosting a tango salon (house party) in the Mission on Thursday, March 6 where she’ll speak about what she’s learned in Buenos Aires studying tango, about the metaphor of tango for a healthy relationship, and how we can use the wisdom of tango off and on the dance floor. As part of the party, she’ll tell you about a Tango Adventure tour she is hosting in Buenos Aires, May 24-31, and how Bay Area tangueros can join!  If you’re interested in coming to the house party March 6 email her at sasha at sashacagen.com with the subject line: tango party.
 
Sign up on Facebook:  Tango salon on Facebook
 
Sign up on Meetup:  Tango salon on Meetup
 
Learn more about Sasha’s tango trip at: http://sashacagen.com/tango-adventure
 
 

Filed Under: Guest Post, Musings Tagged With: Argentine Tango, Bay Area Tango, buenos aires, Sasha Cagen, SF Tango, tango adventure, Tango Salon

Tango scenes in SF

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Celebrate #bayareatango community, support everyone involved & share ♥️ of #tango with San Francisco Bay Area and beyond.

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✨ Vecher Tango at the Russian Center had another ✨ Vecher Tango at the Russian Center had another star-struck night!✨

@ariadnayfernando returned to San Francisco after their last visit in 2016 for @noras_tango_week.

On top of teaching all afternoon and performing four songs of their choice, they surprised us with an improvised encore to live music by Seth Asarnow (@sethasarnow on piano) and Adrian Jost (@fueyequerido on bandoneón), a first-time collaboration for the four artists altogether!! 👏👏♥️♥️🙌🙌 ¡Qué celebración del Tango!

Thank you Julia Schiptsova @juliasch999 and Davood Yazdani for bringing @ariadnanaveira and @fernet_sanz back to SF! We look forward to welcoming them back later this year in Thanksgiving. Stay tuned for details.

Check out our stories for video snippets from the amazing evening!
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#tango #argentinetango #tangoargentino  #tangoperformance #bailar #bailemos #bailando #tangoshow #tangoevent #tangoperformance #tangodancer #tangocouple #specialevent #onenightonly #tangophoto #sanfrancisco #tangoislife #sflovestango #livemusic #duo #bandoneon #piano #improvisation
That Saturday night ❤️‍🔥 when Duo Villarr That Saturday night ❤️‍🔥 when Duo Villarreal Crom, @juanvillarreal_13 and @patriciocrom joined forces with Orquesta Típico Domo at @thetangodome !🎶🎻🎸🎹🎤
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#tango #tangoargentino #argentinetango #tangoevents #tangomusic #tangoconcert #specialevent #onenightonly #tangomusicians #travelingmusicians #duo #guitarists #livemusic #milonga #contemporarytango  #bayareatango #sflovestango #oakland #weekendvibes #goodvibesonly #performanceart #tangoislife
Part 3️⃣ of Duo @juanvillarreal_13 & @patricio Part 3️⃣ of Duo @juanvillarreal_13 & @patriciocrom Crom at @thetangodome … a Chacarera! When the musicians extended an invitation to the audience to join them on stage, a few dancers spontaneously jumped at the chance! 👏👏👏👏
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#tango #tangoargentino #argentinetango #tangoevents #tangomusic #tangoconcert #specialevent #onenightonly #tangomusicians #travelingmusicians #duo #guitarists #livemusic #argentinefolklore #contemporarytango  #bayareatango #sflovestango #oakland #weekendvibes #goodvibesonly #performanceart #tangoislife
REPOSTING… because how could one resist missing REPOSTING… because how could one resist missing the standing ovation *and* an encore because earlier post got cut off due to unknown glitch🙈… Second half of part 1️⃣ the highlights from an amazing night at @thetangodome with Duo 🎸🎸 @juanvillarreal_13 and @patriciocrom ! And our very own @scottodaymusic made it a guitar trio for the encore! 
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#tango #tangoargentino #argentinetango #tangoevents #tangomusic #tangoconcert #specialevent #onenightonly #tangomusicians #travelingmusicians #duo #guitarists #livemusic #argentinefolklore #contemporarytango  #bayareatango #sflovestango #oakland #weekendvibes #goodvibesonly #performanceart #tangoislife
❤️‍🔥DJ @lebendiguna DROPS THE NEEDLE with ❤️‍🔥DJ @lebendiguna DROPS THE NEEDLE with the world’s fastest learning curve!❤️‍🔥

When Una’s laptop unexpectedly failed to connect to @thetangodome sound system, Daniel Peter’s vinyl collection and on-the-spot knowledge transfer to the rescue!! 😮🔥🧯❤️ After watching Dan just a few times dropping the needle between tracks, Una hit the track her FIRST TIME trying‼️✌️

🎥 @thetangodome 
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#tango #tangoargentino #argentinetango #tangoevents #milonga #tangodj #tangomusic #vinylrecords #newskillunlocked #tangoislife #oldtechisgoodtech #bayareatango #oakland
Part 2️⃣ from a fun Saturday night at @thetang Part 2️⃣ from a fun Saturday night at @thetangodome with Duo Villarreal Crom, featuring Tango Guitarists @juanvillarreal_13 and… Señor D'ARIENZO?! 👀🤨 Can you guess what was happening here? 😆😉
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#tango #tangoargentino #argentinetango #tangoevents #tangomusic #tangoconcert #specialevent #onenightonly #tangomusicians #travelingmusicians #duo #guitarists #puppet #bayareatango #sflovestango #oakland #weekendvibes #goodvibesonly #performanceart #tangoislife
Part 1️⃣ of the highlights from an amazing nig Part 1️⃣ of the highlights from an amazing night at @thetangodome with Duo Villarreal Crom, featuring Tango Guitarists @juanvillarreal_13 and @patriciocrom ! 💎 watch till the end to see SF’s very own guitarist @scottodaymusic joined them for an encore!

🎸ABOUT THE ARTISTS🎸
Juan Villarreal and Patricio Crom began working together in 2010 playing tangos in milongas and clubs in the city of Buenos Aires. From the beginning, the Duo Villarreal-Crom, tried to find a particular aesthetic and a unique style that they have refined with the passing of the years.

Today they are one of the most renowned duos on the tango scene in Buenos Aires and the world, having made countless tours in Latin America, Europe and the United States.

They have released 4 albums: "De corte romántico (2012)", "Cinco tonos (2015)", "En la luna de Valencia (2017)" and "D'Arienzo en guitarras (2022)". In May 2023 they will present their new album consisting entirely of original works.  In 2022, they were on the cover of the renowned German magazine "Tangodanza", the world's largest tango magazine.
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#tango #tangoargentino #argentinetango #tangoevents #tangomusic #tangoconcert #specialevent #onenightonly #tangomusicians #travelingmusicians #duo #guitarists #livemusic #argentinefolklore #contemporarytango  #bayareatango #sflovestango #oakland #weekendvibes #goodvibesonly #performanceart #tangoislife
♥️ 𝐀𝐩𝐫𝐢𝐥 𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐲 𝐝𝐫𝐨𝐩 ♥️ (link in bio🔗)

Did you know that the very first post on SF Loves Tango was published by @maikalanidesigns on 𝗔𝗽𝗿𝗶𝗹 𝟮𝟬, 𝟮𝟬𝟭𝟮? And April 21, 2019, is when the brains and hands behind SF Loves Tango changed to us, @jxtango ? We would like to celebrate these anniversaries by recapping what we’ve accomplished post-COVID and start looking ahead!
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#bayareatango #tangoargentino #argentinetango #tango #tangocommunity #sanfrancisco #sflovestango #dancingislife #tangostories #beyondthedance
👋 Many of you know @aviksbasu and Mitra Martin 👋 Many of you know @aviksbasu and Mitra Martin as accomplished tango dancers and teachers. But did you know they are also professional researchers with curiosity and interest to understand tango better?

Check out this cool new research project they are working on: the 𝗧𝗮𝗻𝗴𝗼 𝗜𝗻𝗻𝗲𝗿 𝗘𝘅𝗽𝗲𝗿𝗶𝗲𝗻𝗰𝗲 𝘀𝘂𝗿𝘃𝗲𝘆! (link in bio 🔗)

⏳ It takes about 20-30 minutes to answer some intriguing (anonymous) questions about what you experience as you dance - mental talk, images, sensations, etc.

🎯 Fill it out today and help them reach their goal of 1000 participants by April 30th! They’ll gather neat data to create more empathy and understanding and help the community grow.
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#tango #argentinetango #tangoargentino #community #tangocommunity #project #research #qualitativeresearch #communitybuilding #sflovestango
Abrazo, the queer milonga, happens every 3rd Satur Abrazo, the queer milonga, happens every 3rd Saturday of the month, and today, April 15, @abrazoqueertango welcomed @inesmuzzopappa for the first time and the pre-milonga class was sold out!
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#tango #argentinetangoclasses #tangoworkshop #tangoargentino #queertango #tangoevent #bayareatango #berkeley #bailemostango #milonga #learningisfun #dancingislife
✨SATURDAY NIGHT TANGO ✨ Che! Milonga is a con ✨SATURDAY NIGHT TANGO ✨

Che! Milonga is a conventional 4.5-hour long milonga with a cozy and casual vibe that happens on 1st and 2nd Saturday of the month at La Pista Tango Studio. 

Tucked away among storage and industrial spaces for local businesses, La Pista is a dedicated tango studio frequently used for classes and workshops. With lighting, seating, wall projection, and table decoration arrangements, our beloved hosts, Ramada and @tanguera_e , put thoughtful touches that give the space a nightclub ambiance.

Check out our February story drop featuring @che_tango_sf (sflovestango.com/che-tango-sf/) and tomorrow, Saturday, April 8, is your chance to dance at their Che Milonga with DJ @kostas_aretos ! 

📸 from Che Milonga on Saturday, April 1st with DJ @ayano.yoneda.tango 
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#tango #argentinetango #tangoargentino #tangodancers #tangolovers #dancecouple #socialdancing #tangoevent #milonganight #embrace #bailar #bailemos #dance #partnerdance #improvisation #dancingislife #sflovestango
❤️ 𝐌𝐚𝐫𝐜𝐡 𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐲 𝐝𝐫𝐨𝐩 ❤️
Women's History Month is almost over, but celebrating the impact of women is today and every day! 

Remember the Women's Gathering hosted by @ayano.yoneda.tango in the beginning of this year? Are you curious about the 𝙬𝙝𝙖𝙩 and 𝙬𝙝𝙮 behind these events? 
"𝘐 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘦𝘹𝘵𝘦𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘪𝘯𝘷𝘪𝘵𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘰 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺𝘰𝘯𝘦 – 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘰𝘯𝘭𝘺 𝘸𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘯 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘨𝘦𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘳-𝘮𝘢𝘳𝘨𝘪𝘯𝘢𝘭𝘪𝘻𝘦𝘥 𝘱𝘦𝘰𝘱𝘭𝘦 – 𝘵𝘰 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘢 𝘴𝘢𝘧𝘦 𝘴𝘱𝘢𝘤𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘦𝘹𝘱𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘴 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘤𝘦𝘳𝘯𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘱𝘳𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘪𝘤𝘦 𝘴𝘰𝘤𝘪𝘢𝘭 𝘴𝘬𝘪𝘭𝘭𝘴, 𝘵𝘰 𝘨𝘦𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘦𝘢𝘤𝘩 𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘰𝘶𝘵𝘴𝘪𝘥𝘦 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘥𝘢𝘯𝘤𝘦, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘣𝘶𝘪𝘭𝘥 𝘢 𝘴𝘵𝘳𝘰𝘯𝘨 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘮𝘶𝘯𝘪𝘵𝘺 𝘵𝘰𝘨𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳." – Ayano Yoneda

More in our latest story drop (🔗 link in bio)!
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